Living Differently – Holding the Gaze

Living Differently Project, Photography

Wall of meBack in 2013 I did an online photography course with Vivienne McMaster. Vivienne’s work encourages her participants to “discover tools that will help you to cultivate a relationship of self-compassion both through the camera and in your every day life” (her words from the website), the premise being that self portraiture can help us look at ourselves with love and lessen the hold of self-criticism. It can be a radical act to show up in front of the lens and direct that gaze, that multi-facted honest gaze towards our most bullying critic – us. We can feel the earth shift when we direct a look of love towards ourselves instead.

A year before this I began using photography as a way to deal with living with chronic illness. After feeling trapped in my body I felt an enormous sense of relief capturing what was happening to me on camera. I was both the photographer and the subject and that allowed me to explore my feelings in depth without having them overwhelm me. The camera was a tool for both investigation and validating my experience. I began my self-portrait journey wanting to record the truth and the last thing I wanted was to ‘play nice’ for the camera. As I continued my work with Vivienne I learnt how to enjoy being in front of the lens. I found out that I was a worthy a subject as anyone I had turned my camera towards.

A few years have gone by and I’m still adapting to a life I did not choose, still looking for  my own story in the midst of change. The past 6 months have been very tough and I’ve got puffy and swollen in my face. This shouldn’t matter, but it does. In an attempt to self-validate I forgot one thing – the constant passing of time. When I look at the photos above, all taken and processed on my phone, posing, pouting and beaming – I can also see someone trying hard to pretty herself for the lens. Looking at these pictures something is missing. Where is my body ? It’s no coincidence that I live with an invisible illness.  I’ve managed to hide myself from myself.

Looking  again I can see that even the most processed of them are a part of my story. Some days I let my vulnerability show, others I shine with joy and then there are the times when I feel the only choice I have is to ‘say cheese’, hold my gaze and face the world.

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